First Post in Months

I haven't blogged for months. Mostly because I just dont have time. A lot of things have changed in my life since June. I got a new job on labor & delivery which one might think would be less stressful than ICU............but one would be wrong. In fact, it's MORE stressful alot of the time. Not to scare any expectant mommies but deliveries are not often without some sort of complications. You have to be alert for subtle changes and also willing to run at the drop of a dime. I hated the job at first. I thought it was something I really wanted and then I found myself overwhelmed and feeling like I couldn't do it. Since then I have decided to stick with it for now. I am also expecting. I am 21 weeks along with a little girl. Lately I have been feeling anxious about what this new peanut will bring. Although I know she will bring us joy and happiness, I am almost 100% positive I will suffer from postpartum depression again. I'm also worried about breastfeeding as that was a huge trigger for my ppd last time. I am hoping I will have a milk supply this time, but I know that is probably unlikely as I haven't had any breast changes yet(just like last time) and am fairly certain the issue probably lies somewhere with my anatomy. Which makes me feel like less of a woman. Maybe thats dumb but its how I feel. I have also decided to go part time as of April 1st. I just cannot manage all the day to day running of our household AND work full time nights AND go to school part time. And now with 2 kids?!? No thank you! I am excited but worried about how we will manage all of our bills. This will be a huge pay cut for us. My sanity was starting to slip away however and we needed to make a change before I had to check myself into a psych ward. I decided to start writing here again as I have been feeling more depressed again and I know that when this baby is born it is probably going to hit me full force. I am hoping writing about it will ease some of the pain. I pray and hope that ppd will just forget about me this time, but I know the odds are against me.

Zombie Mode

Ok, ok, dont get all crazy on me. Especially with the recent headlines in the news. Zombie mode doesnt mean I've resorted to cannabilism(spelling?) or the killing of humans. In fact, those recent news stories have made me sick to my stomach. It is simply the mode I operate in whilst working nights. For example, I worked last night 7p-7am. Today at 1015 am I had a hair appointment at 1015-my hair stylist works very limited hours. On top of that she is an hour away. But I rescheduled this appointment once already d didn't feel comfortable rescheduling again. So my husband drove us, I ddin't sleep and we got the hair done. However, my sister is in town from Denver and they all wanted to grill out tonight as well. I made it to that, and about 6:30pm I said we need to go, I am exhausted. We came home and went to the neighbor's house. Just to hang out. He has a toy car collection that woud rival even the most serious Tonka enthusiast. Sawyer was playing with the cars and having a great time. And thats when things get fuzzy. Apparently at 830pm I said-"I'm going to run home real quick." I never came back. I woke up an hour ago- 1230 am in bed, with all my clothes on, teeth obviously unbrushed(yuck). The scary part is, I dont even remember laying down, or deciding, "hey I think i'll go to sleep now". I woke up completely disoriented and went and found my husband, and he filled me in. Is this what my life has become? I feel like I spend so many days off like this-no way to live by the way. I'm currently actively pursuing a day job, but I am taking a Chemistry class in July-September that requires me to go Mon, Tues, and Weds from 1-3 pm so more than likely I will be on nights at least through September. Bummer. I get exhausted from living my life like this. I wish there was a better solution, but right now I have none.

Anxiety and sleepless nights

I haven't wrote on here forever. In fact, I haven't done anything much lately. I haven't gone to the gym since April, and that was something I really liked. It seems pointless now though. I was doing a bootcamp, and really wasn't seeing results. I used to be able to eat a pretty healthy diet, but now with a 19 month old that seems impossible. We are always rushed, or I can't get to the store, etc. etc. That is probably why i'm not seeing results, so it seems futile to keep working so hard at it. Lately all I do is sleep. Over the last couple months it has become impossible to get out of bed unless I have a very good reason. Like I have to go to work or get up with Sawyer. If my husband is home I will just stay in bed all day. My body feels worn out and exhausted 24/7. I have determined that I need to get a day job, but I don't know how soon that will happen. I am just actively looking in the meantime. I feel disconnected from everyone else. Certain things are bothering me alot. The news for one. I can't help but think what a horrible world I have brought my little boy into. I know that it's pointless to think this way, and I need to go on with my life, but it causes me alot of anxiety. I am working hard on figuring out how to make myself better. I just feel like it's hard on my son to live with me like this. I just keep hoping Summer will bring better days-Sawyer is ready for the sun.

Easter and Illness

It's been awhile since I blogged, life has been hectic this Spring. We spent Easter at our church attending an excellent service with my husband's dad and stepmom. When I was younger I went to church regularly, but then as a teenager I kind of dropped off the church circuit. Sundays were for sleeping in, and church really wasn't "cool." We also went to a church that highly emphasized rules. Such as you couldn't listen to anything but Christian music. In fact the Bob Dylan song 'Blowin in the Wind' was satanic because it was saying the answer was blowing in the wind and not God. Silly in my opinion. We started attending an RCA(Reformed Church of America) in October and we love it! Everyone is friendly, and for the most part we believe in what they stand for. Anyhow, I worked the night before Easter so after church I took a nap until 4pm. We spent the rest of the evening with my parents and Sawyer eating a home cooked Easter dinner. Then Sawyer got sick.........again. Wednesday morning he seemed sleepier than usual and felt a little warm. I had a hard time sleeping Tuesday night(compliments of my night shift job)so I fully took advantage of Sawyer's sleepiness and slept with him. He woke up around 12:30pm and was super sweaty and really felt hot. I took a temperature and it was 103.8. We recently switched pediatricians which is a story for a different day, but I called up his office fully expecting they would want us to come in. They didn't however, they were comfortable just waiting it out. His temperature got to 104 but we have been alternating Tylenol and Ibuprofen to keep it down. He's been moody to say the least. Neither of us have gotten much sleep. But I guess that's what it's like to have kid(s), you never sleep. I used to think I had so much to do when I was single and childless, and my life was so hectic, and stressful. I. was. dead. wrong. My life was simple then, I worked night shift but no one cared if I stayed up until 5am everynight, and slept in until 3:30pm everyday. Nobody was waking me up at 7:30 am. I didn't have to find a babysitter to go out at night. If I stayed at the bar with my friends until 2am, there was no one to wake me up screaming and crying the next morning. I could go to Target without having to lug a toddler into my car, strap him in, and then cause a scene so we had to leave once we got there anyways. I didn't have to feel guilty about spending $300 on clothes and shoes-it was my money anyhow. Still, I wouldn't change it for anything. Sawyer is the love of my life, and has added meaning to my life. He has taught me the meaning of unconditional love. That is what being a mom is all about. Sometimes I wish I could wash my hair everyday without Sawyer trying to crawl in the shower with me, and do my hair without him running his walker into my legs screaming "POW!" the whole time. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep in. Sometimes I just want to be alone. I'm sure in 18 years I will look back and wish he could just be small again. That we could just snuggle some more, even if it meant I had to get up at 3am to do it. So for now I'm just going to enjoy these moments as much as I can because they won't last forever.

Rotating Shifts

I haven't blogge din a long time. Me and my husband had a cold weeks ago if you remember. We have been feeling extremely fatigued since then. I can chalk mine up to night shift, his is probably a lack of exercise and poor diet. However, it's hard to ignore that it all started after our "colds". It's been making me feel like an inadequate mother. On my days off with Sawyer i'm so tired I just turn on the TV and fall asleep. I contemplate drinking coffee, but even going to brew a pot seems like too much work. It's not fair to him, he needs interaction and time outside. I just read an article where a mom talked about how she always imagined the type of mom she would be, and that she constantly feels like she falls short now. Thats definitely me. She said that everyday was a new day, there is always tomorrow. For me tomorrow comes and I continue to fall short. I had an opportunity to go to rotating shifts. That would have mean I would work 6 weeks of nights, and then 6 weeks of days. I ultimately turned it down because I felt like I would take at least 3 weeks to get used to a day schedule, and then I'd have to turn around and get used to a night schedule again. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not. I would love to just find a straight day job. I keep looking but so far nothing. I just wish I could be one of those amazing moms who gets up early and finds the time to cook and clean, AND play with their kid(s). Unfortunately right now I cant. I workout nearly everyday. I eat pretty well. I don't know what else I can do.

No pain, no gain

I haven't wrote anything for a while. I guess that's because of a couple of things. 1. I can't put The Hunger Games down. A couple of girls from work want to go see the movie tomorrow night, so I have to finish it by then! Even so, I may not go tomorrow night as they are not going until the 9:45pm viewing and the movie is 2 and a half hours long!! I have a baby who gets up at 7:30am! 2. There really hasn't been anything in my life worth mentioning. It just kind of feels monotonous and unchanging right now. I'm working hard on making it to the gym 5 days a week. So far this week I made it today, so Tues, Weds, Thurs, and Friday left to go! I've got 4 lbs left until my pre-pregnancy weight, and then 5 lbs after that to my pre-marriage weight. 5 lbs after that and I will be at my goal! If I lost 2 lbs per week I could almost be there by May. I dread the workouts but they are really not that bad. As long as I get myself to the gym, then i'm good, it's the whole getting to the gym. Tomorrow morning a friend from work wants to go at 8:30am. This means I will have to take Sawyer to the daycare there. All the other girls from work take their kids there and have no complaints. It's only an hour. Even so, I hate to have to take him there. I think it will help me stay up during the day if I get a workout in right away though. If thats the case then it might be better for him to go there for an hour in the morning so he can have an attentive mother throughout the day. We will see how this goes!

Rain and Gloom

Today was a bummer of a day. It was cold and rainy, and I got nothing accomplished. I couldn't stay awake all day, and so Sawyer watched a lot of TV. Im not proud of it, but my body can only do so much. And right now my body is rebelling against night shift. Or at least the fact that I stay up all night 3 days a week, and then try to switch to a day schedule for the remaining four days. I feel like it's imperative that I find a day job for my sake, and for my son's sake. Unfortunately there are not a lot of options out there right now. Especially for day shift. We have excellent health insurance at the hospital I work at, plus Sawyer just started the daycare there. I feel like i'm trapped. Not to mention that a day job would probably be a significant pay cut. At this point I would take the pay cut, but I can't bring myself to switch Sawyer's childcare again, especially since he seems to love it there. My other biggest obstacle right now is Sawyer's eating habits. He is already small for his age. The 18 month clothes start at 22 lbs and Sawyer is only 20. He refuses almost anything they give him at daycare. Then he comes home starving and completely inconsolable. For us he refuses all fruit and veggies. He will eat PB and J, grilled cheese, chicken nuggets, and most pastas. Oh and waffles. Not exactly a healthy diet. If you don't give him what he wants he screams, and cries and throws his food on the floor. He will go to bed hungry. He needs to eat, yet I don't think we should have to make something separate for him every night. I don't know how to get him to stop being so picky. I've read all the stuff about hiding pureed veggies and whatnot. Two reasons I don't like that: 1. you're still not getting them to like fruits and veggies, you're just tricking them into eating them, and 2. I already hardly have time to make dinner, add cooking and pureeing veggies to that and well, I just dont have the time. I wish I could come up with some solutions to these problems, but add to them my extreme exhaustion and I just am at a loss. Hoping for a better week after today.