First Post in Months

I haven't blogged for months. Mostly because I just dont have time. A lot of things have changed in my life since June. I got a new job on labor & delivery which one might think would be less stressful than ICU............but one would be wrong. In fact, it's MORE stressful alot of the time. Not to scare any expectant mommies but deliveries are not often without some sort of complications. You have to be alert for subtle changes and also willing to run at the drop of a dime. I hated the job at first. I thought it was something I really wanted and then I found myself overwhelmed and feeling like I couldn't do it. Since then I have decided to stick with it for now. I am also expecting. I am 21 weeks along with a little girl. Lately I have been feeling anxious about what this new peanut will bring. Although I know she will bring us joy and happiness, I am almost 100% positive I will suffer from postpartum depression again. I'm also worried about breastfeeding as that was a huge trigger for my ppd last time. I am hoping I will have a milk supply this time, but I know that is probably unlikely as I haven't had any breast changes yet(just like last time) and am fairly certain the issue probably lies somewhere with my anatomy. Which makes me feel like less of a woman. Maybe thats dumb but its how I feel. I have also decided to go part time as of April 1st. I just cannot manage all the day to day running of our household AND work full time nights AND go to school part time. And now with 2 kids?!? No thank you! I am excited but worried about how we will manage all of our bills. This will be a huge pay cut for us. My sanity was starting to slip away however and we needed to make a change before I had to check myself into a psych ward. I decided to start writing here again as I have been feeling more depressed again and I know that when this baby is born it is probably going to hit me full force. I am hoping writing about it will ease some of the pain. I pray and hope that ppd will just forget about me this time, but I know the odds are against me.