No pain, no gain

I haven't wrote anything for a while. I guess that's because of a couple of things. 1. I can't put The Hunger Games down. A couple of girls from work want to go see the movie tomorrow night, so I have to finish it by then! Even so, I may not go tomorrow night as they are not going until the 9:45pm viewing and the movie is 2 and a half hours long!! I have a baby who gets up at 7:30am! 2. There really hasn't been anything in my life worth mentioning. It just kind of feels monotonous and unchanging right now. I'm working hard on making it to the gym 5 days a week. So far this week I made it today, so Tues, Weds, Thurs, and Friday left to go! I've got 4 lbs left until my pre-pregnancy weight, and then 5 lbs after that to my pre-marriage weight. 5 lbs after that and I will be at my goal! If I lost 2 lbs per week I could almost be there by May. I dread the workouts but they are really not that bad. As long as I get myself to the gym, then i'm good, it's the whole getting to the gym. Tomorrow morning a friend from work wants to go at 8:30am. This means I will have to take Sawyer to the daycare there. All the other girls from work take their kids there and have no complaints. It's only an hour. Even so, I hate to have to take him there. I think it will help me stay up during the day if I get a workout in right away though. If thats the case then it might be better for him to go there for an hour in the morning so he can have an attentive mother throughout the day. We will see how this goes!

Rain and Gloom

Today was a bummer of a day. It was cold and rainy, and I got nothing accomplished. I couldn't stay awake all day, and so Sawyer watched a lot of TV. Im not proud of it, but my body can only do so much. And right now my body is rebelling against night shift. Or at least the fact that I stay up all night 3 days a week, and then try to switch to a day schedule for the remaining four days. I feel like it's imperative that I find a day job for my sake, and for my son's sake. Unfortunately there are not a lot of options out there right now. Especially for day shift. We have excellent health insurance at the hospital I work at, plus Sawyer just started the daycare there. I feel like i'm trapped. Not to mention that a day job would probably be a significant pay cut. At this point I would take the pay cut, but I can't bring myself to switch Sawyer's childcare again, especially since he seems to love it there. My other biggest obstacle right now is Sawyer's eating habits. He is already small for his age. The 18 month clothes start at 22 lbs and Sawyer is only 20. He refuses almost anything they give him at daycare. Then he comes home starving and completely inconsolable. For us he refuses all fruit and veggies. He will eat PB and J, grilled cheese, chicken nuggets, and most pastas. Oh and waffles. Not exactly a healthy diet. If you don't give him what he wants he screams, and cries and throws his food on the floor. He will go to bed hungry. He needs to eat, yet I don't think we should have to make something separate for him every night. I don't know how to get him to stop being so picky. I've read all the stuff about hiding pureed veggies and whatnot. Two reasons I don't like that: 1. you're still not getting them to like fruits and veggies, you're just tricking them into eating them, and 2. I already hardly have time to make dinner, add cooking and pureeing veggies to that and well, I just dont have the time. I wish I could come up with some solutions to these problems, but add to them my extreme exhaustion and I just am at a loss. Hoping for a better week after today.

Spring Fever

I've got spring fever lately! All I can think about are things and events i want to go to, like baseball games and concerts. I can't wait unitl the pools open and I can take Sawyer swimming. It's so exciting to be able to leave the house without having to get a 1 and a half year old in multiple layers, a hat and mittens. Sawyer is excited as well! He just learned how to say "side", and he stands at the door and says it. He's just as sick of being inside as me. The next two days are supposed to be wet and rainy again though so we will be forced back inside. It also reminds me of all the extra work I have now. The lawn will need mowed soon, there will be yardwork.....................yuck. And tornadoes. I am deathly afraid of tornadoes. I once crawled into a bathtub with a cat and a mattress over us when the sirens went off. The cat did not approve. One year we had a tornado at 2:45 am. It stopped a few blocks short of my apartment..I was at work, in a Children's hospital. I had to sit in a bathroom with an oxygen tank and a 2 year old until it was all clear. A couple days later there was another one and I had to sit in the basement hallway of my apartment and listen to the hail pound the front door. I'm hoping for a mild storm season, although they are predicting a bad one. I love a good thunderstorm though. Just as long as it doesn't produce tornadoes. I'll take all of the bad things about spring if it means I can spend 90% of my time outdoors though. Theres just something about sitting in the sun that makes me feel peaceful and happy.

Somewhere Tropical

I think I need a vacation. I cant get the beach off my mind. Last night I researched houses in Encinitas, CA(a suburb of San Diego). My favorite house was 3,000,000 and some odd thousands of dollars. On the beach, with an outdoor fireplace. The only problem? I don't think I will ever see that much money in my life. I could swing something closer to $120,000. I would also be far, far away from my family if I moved to California. So maybe a vacaton is in order. Me and my husband went to Jamaica 3 years ago. It. was. awesome. We drank fancy drinks on the beach, lounged in hammocks, and swam with dolphins. Only thing is I don't think we could afford that trip right now. I don't know if anyone else is planning a vacation this summer but if you have looked up plane tickets..................the prices are outrageous. I would love to just go to even Florida, or New Orleans. Tickets for me and husband would cost somewhere around $600-800. We will probably just end up not going on vacation. I wish I could figure out a cheap way to get somewhere with palm trees. I feel like we really need to get away.

Is it not a beautiful house?

Just an Ordinary Mom

I'm very excited to try out this Hearts at Home blog hop! Hearts at Home is a group I actually discovered on Google. I'm an RN and they always have conferences for nurses. I started thinking, I would really be interested in a conference for mom's-thats my biggest passion in life, even if it's my toughest role in life. Anyhow, I found Hearts at Home which is a Christian based group of mothers. They hold conferences, and they have a blog and books, etc. Michelle Duggar is one of their main speakers for the 2012 conferences. I love her. I know everyone has their own opinion on her, she's too old to keep having kids, they have way too many, etc. I'm impressed by her and her ability to mother all 19 of her kids. I also feel that if she wasn't meant to have more kids then she wouldn't be getting pregnant anymore. Who are we to judge? So naturally I thought, "I have to go to one of these conferences!" Well, the national conference is in Normal, IL and next weekend I believe, so that was a little too soon for me. Plus thats a good 8 hour drive. There is one in November in Rochester, MN which is a 6 hour drive I believe. Then there is one in Colorado Springs, CO in October. Bingo! My sister lives in Denver and we have never been to see her home or anything. This one is still an 8 hour drive, but we can stay with her, and we can also stop at my husband's dad's house as it is on the way up. I'm excited to go talk to other mom's about their struggles, and also learn about ways I can do better for my family. The topic for this month's blog hop is "We All Have Days When We Fell Like Just an Ordinary Mom-if you could have any super power to help you with your mothering, what would it be?

I put a lot of thought into this. There are lots of super powers I would love to have. Invulnerability would be excellent, nothing could hurt me. I could take on the world without a care. The power to change objects, I could have anything I needed within seconds. Forgot a diaper? No problem, I will just change that rock into a diaper. X-ray vision, I could see what my son was up to, good or bad without leaving the couch. If I have to pick one though, and I do, then I guess I would choose telepathy. It would give me the ability to know why my son is throwing a fit, or feeling down and then I could fix it. Me and my husband could have a disagreement without my son ever knowing, we could do it silently. I could anticipate every need before it ever even came up. This seems kind of trivial I guess, but I have a type A personality. I like to keep a structure and schedule, and know what is coming my way. I hate surprises. In fact I hate getting gifts if I don't know what they are ahead of time. Yep, just not into surprises. It's a no brainer then that this would be the one super power I would want. Unfortunately I am just ordinary. I can't control everything. I have no idea what my son wants when he's crying at times. Some days I can hardly get dinner on the table let alone save the world. I know that it's ok though. As long as I give being a mom all that I have got than I have succeeded. Quite honestly, even though i'm just an ordinary mom, i'm still super to my family. I work full time, make dinner 5 nights a week, clean, do the grocery shopping, spend time with my son, and make sure everyone makes all their appointments and obligations. I don't even know if the most seasoned super hero could handle all that. Even without a super power, im still a pretty super mom.

Just Another Wednesday

I met most of my goals this week. Me and Sawyer made it to the zoo. Sawyer was even a pleasure the entire time. We didn't go to the park today, but we did make it outside. Now i'm about to lose it though. Today Sawyer's favorite and only word has been no..................to everything. Even things he wants. And the tantrums. So.sick.of.them. Why can't he just be my sweet boy all the time? Right now he's in his crib in a time out, and all I can hear is him chanting no over and over. Then theres the mess. He threw all of his food on the floor because he was mad. Then his dad came home sick from work and has been passed out. This is going on about day 50 of him having a cold so I don't feel too sorry for him. Yet it's prevented him from helping with things for weeks. I just feel so burnt out all the time. I know things will get better, I just feel like I have one good day and then the next is torture. Sigh. Back to work tomorrow.

Time for Bed

Another weekend of work done. It's supposed to be a lovely day out today, 70 degrees and sunny! I get to waste it sleeping however. I'm hoping to take Sawyer to the zoo tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm also hoping to work out Mon, Tues, Weds, and at least Thurs this week. These are my goals for the week. Nothing too ambitious. I'm hoping by starting small I can accomplish everything I want and feel like I did something with my week. The closest zoo that is open year round is an hour away, so i'm hoping Sawyer can tolerate the car ride there and back, and have fun at the zoo without being cranky. That goal may just be too ambitious.

Something Positive

Today I am going to post something positive. Mostly because I feel like my last posts have been less than optimistic. Today has not been the greatest day, just an average day really. Lately I am struggling with night shift more than at other times. I find myself continually sleeping and falling asleep. I feel like I am sleeping my life away. I feel like lately me and my husband argue all the time over household chores. I ask him to do things and he says he will, and then never does them. Or they might get done after I have asked him 5 times. I feel like it's a second full time job, asking him to do things. I have tried all the advice from other mom's, make a list of the top 5 things that are most important to you if they get done. We have a list, and he doesn't do them. I have reiterated the importance of said list numerous times and........................he still doesn't do them. I have made to do lists, I have instructed him step by step on how to do things. Still, nothing. This is not to say he doesn't do anything. He usually does the laundry. He usually cleans up the dishes. Well, most of them. He does wait until every single sippy cup in our house is dirty to wash them. Today he spent most of the day trying to get Sawyer to nap which I don't understand. I suspect it's really just his excuse for laying around watching basketball all day. I admit, i'm pretty anal. It's hard for me to overlook messes, and dirt. It drives me nuts, and causes me anxiety. I've gotten all the advice on that as well. The advice that it's okay to let housework go, your kids are more important. The advice that sometimes you need a break. I just cant stand that everytime my son plays with play-dough it attracts a mass of dog hair and crumbs. Or that just a swipe of a rag turns it black. Or the fact that right now the in between of our couch smells like dirty feet. Sawyer puked down their the other day and I have tried scrubbing it, and febrezing it with less than optimal results. My husband is making dinner right now though. Sawyer is happy, and playing. We paid off a lot of our debt this last month. I got into the math class I need to take this quarter in order to start my BSN in the Fall. We both have jobs, because a lot of people don't right now. We have a home, 2 working cars, and everything we need to survive. These are the positive things I need to keep reminding myself.

Survival Mode

Last week my husband came home sniffly and sneezy. Normally I don't get sick, as being a nurse I've been exposed to most illnesses and have a better immune system than most. It seems like the beginning of every spring I get a cold though. This time is no exception. It started Sunday with a cough and some nasal drip. By Monday I was fatigued, full of mucus, and my eyes were dripping like a faucet. Sawyer goes to daycare every Monday so I pretty much slept. All day. I keep him Tuesday and Wednesday though, and we don't have the kind of daycare where we can bring him last minute, nor the type of family that I can just dump him on spur of the moment. So for the last couple days we have just been surviving. I haven't changed out of my PJs, brushed my hair or put on makeup. The TV has been my babysitter as much as it make me feel like a horrible mom to say that, I just haven't had the energy to entertain a toddler. I keep telling myself I will make up for it when i'm well. I'm guessing a couple days of watching TV longer than the AAP recommends probably wont damage him as an adult. I hope. However, if down the road he gets diagnosed with ADHD I will know I'm to blame. Meanwhile my house is a disaster. My husband does a fairly good job of keeping up with the laundry, and keeping the dishes clean. There are some strange things I noticed today though. Him and my son hang out in the basement to give me some peace and rest while he is home. Right now there are about 7 blankets on the basement floor. My husband likes to lay a blanket out for Sawyer to play on, no matter what room they are in. Then along the way he will usually grab a blanket for him to cover up with. Then he might grab one for Sawyer to cover up with. Then maybe Sawyer dumps milk on one, and then instead of throwing it in the laundry he tosses it to the side, and grabs another one. Even under these circumstances this only equals 4 blankets so I have no idea why there are SEVEN! Also, the top of our Christmas tree is in the laundry basket in the laundry room.................................I have no reasonable explanation for this. My excercise and diet plan has been derailed this week. Which has me anxious. I would really like to lose some weight before Summer, I know, wouldn't we all. I just have to keep telling myself I will get back on the train when I feel better, and I still have time! Well, heres to hoping I feel better tomorrow because it's back to work for me tomorrow night. And if I don't feel better.....................it's going to be a long night.

Things Aren't Always Peachy

The last couple of days have been rough. I feel like I go through this every week though. I keep Sawyer all day on Tuesday and Wednesday, and i'm so tired that I end up falling asleep on the couch, on the floor, at the table all day. Then I feel like a terrible mom because deep inside I really do want to hang out with my son and do things with him, but switching from a day to night schedule just is not working for me. I've considered taking a pay cut and finding a day job, but that would probably require me to work Monday-Friday which means I would be taking Sawyer to daycare a lot more. Which for one, costs more money that I would be making less of, and two means I still wouldn't see him as much as I want. Then every Thursday night I go to work and think to myself......next week will be better, i'll drink coffee, i'll make myself be more energized, I can start over next week. Then every week ends up the same. Not to mention my job isn't the cheeriest place in the world. Amidst all the teenage hangings, and drunk driving accidents, stabbings and gunshot wounds, let's just say I don't always leave there feeling optimistic. I feel like all I can focus on is maintaining our home. All I ever do anymore is nag at my husband and I get so angry with him. I read all the advice that says to let some of the housework go, your child is more important. I get that, I really do. I just can't let the housework go, the dirt and the clutter makes my anxiety go into overdrive. Some days I feel like things are getting better, and other days I feel like things will never change. I know that in order for things to change I have to change me. I do change, for awhile but then I just can't help but be me.