Easter and Illness

It's been awhile since I blogged, life has been hectic this Spring. We spent Easter at our church attending an excellent service with my husband's dad and stepmom. When I was younger I went to church regularly, but then as a teenager I kind of dropped off the church circuit. Sundays were for sleeping in, and church really wasn't "cool." We also went to a church that highly emphasized rules. Such as you couldn't listen to anything but Christian music. In fact the Bob Dylan song 'Blowin in the Wind' was satanic because it was saying the answer was blowing in the wind and not God. Silly in my opinion. We started attending an RCA(Reformed Church of America) in October and we love it! Everyone is friendly, and for the most part we believe in what they stand for. Anyhow, I worked the night before Easter so after church I took a nap until 4pm. We spent the rest of the evening with my parents and Sawyer eating a home cooked Easter dinner. Then Sawyer got sick.........again. Wednesday morning he seemed sleepier than usual and felt a little warm. I had a hard time sleeping Tuesday night(compliments of my night shift job)so I fully took advantage of Sawyer's sleepiness and slept with him. He woke up around 12:30pm and was super sweaty and really felt hot. I took a temperature and it was 103.8. We recently switched pediatricians which is a story for a different day, but I called up his office fully expecting they would want us to come in. They didn't however, they were comfortable just waiting it out. His temperature got to 104 but we have been alternating Tylenol and Ibuprofen to keep it down. He's been moody to say the least. Neither of us have gotten much sleep. But I guess that's what it's like to have kid(s), you never sleep. I used to think I had so much to do when I was single and childless, and my life was so hectic, and stressful. I. was. dead. wrong. My life was simple then, I worked night shift but no one cared if I stayed up until 5am everynight, and slept in until 3:30pm everyday. Nobody was waking me up at 7:30 am. I didn't have to find a babysitter to go out at night. If I stayed at the bar with my friends until 2am, there was no one to wake me up screaming and crying the next morning. I could go to Target without having to lug a toddler into my car, strap him in, and then cause a scene so we had to leave once we got there anyways. I didn't have to feel guilty about spending $300 on clothes and shoes-it was my money anyhow. Still, I wouldn't change it for anything. Sawyer is the love of my life, and has added meaning to my life. He has taught me the meaning of unconditional love. That is what being a mom is all about. Sometimes I wish I could wash my hair everyday without Sawyer trying to crawl in the shower with me, and do my hair without him running his walker into my legs screaming "POW!" the whole time. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep in. Sometimes I just want to be alone. I'm sure in 18 years I will look back and wish he could just be small again. That we could just snuggle some more, even if it meant I had to get up at 3am to do it. So for now I'm just going to enjoy these moments as much as I can because they won't last forever.

Rotating Shifts

I haven't blogge din a long time. Me and my husband had a cold weeks ago if you remember. We have been feeling extremely fatigued since then. I can chalk mine up to night shift, his is probably a lack of exercise and poor diet. However, it's hard to ignore that it all started after our "colds". It's been making me feel like an inadequate mother. On my days off with Sawyer i'm so tired I just turn on the TV and fall asleep. I contemplate drinking coffee, but even going to brew a pot seems like too much work. It's not fair to him, he needs interaction and time outside. I just read an article where a mom talked about how she always imagined the type of mom she would be, and that she constantly feels like she falls short now. Thats definitely me. She said that everyday was a new day, there is always tomorrow. For me tomorrow comes and I continue to fall short. I had an opportunity to go to rotating shifts. That would have mean I would work 6 weeks of nights, and then 6 weeks of days. I ultimately turned it down because I felt like I would take at least 3 weeks to get used to a day schedule, and then I'd have to turn around and get used to a night schedule again. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not. I would love to just find a straight day job. I keep looking but so far nothing. I just wish I could be one of those amazing moms who gets up early and finds the time to cook and clean, AND play with their kid(s). Unfortunately right now I cant. I workout nearly everyday. I eat pretty well. I don't know what else I can do.