Zombie Mode

Ok, ok, dont get all crazy on me. Especially with the recent headlines in the news. Zombie mode doesnt mean I've resorted to cannabilism(spelling?) or the killing of humans. In fact, those recent news stories have made me sick to my stomach. It is simply the mode I operate in whilst working nights. For example, I worked last night 7p-7am. Today at 1015 am I had a hair appointment at 1015-my hair stylist works very limited hours. On top of that she is an hour away. But I rescheduled this appointment once already d didn't feel comfortable rescheduling again. So my husband drove us, I ddin't sleep and we got the hair done. However, my sister is in town from Denver and they all wanted to grill out tonight as well. I made it to that, and about 6:30pm I said we need to go, I am exhausted. We came home and went to the neighbor's house. Just to hang out. He has a toy car collection that woud rival even the most serious Tonka enthusiast. Sawyer was playing with the cars and having a great time. And thats when things get fuzzy. Apparently at 830pm I said-"I'm going to run home real quick." I never came back. I woke up an hour ago- 1230 am in bed, with all my clothes on, teeth obviously unbrushed(yuck). The scary part is, I dont even remember laying down, or deciding, "hey I think i'll go to sleep now". I woke up completely disoriented and went and found my husband, and he filled me in. Is this what my life has become? I feel like I spend so many days off like this-no way to live by the way. I'm currently actively pursuing a day job, but I am taking a Chemistry class in July-September that requires me to go Mon, Tues, and Weds from 1-3 pm so more than likely I will be on nights at least through September. Bummer. I get exhausted from living my life like this. I wish there was a better solution, but right now I have none.

Anxiety and sleepless nights

I haven't wrote on here forever. In fact, I haven't done anything much lately. I haven't gone to the gym since April, and that was something I really liked. It seems pointless now though. I was doing a bootcamp, and really wasn't seeing results. I used to be able to eat a pretty healthy diet, but now with a 19 month old that seems impossible. We are always rushed, or I can't get to the store, etc. etc. That is probably why i'm not seeing results, so it seems futile to keep working so hard at it. Lately all I do is sleep. Over the last couple months it has become impossible to get out of bed unless I have a very good reason. Like I have to go to work or get up with Sawyer. If my husband is home I will just stay in bed all day. My body feels worn out and exhausted 24/7. I have determined that I need to get a day job, but I don't know how soon that will happen. I am just actively looking in the meantime. I feel disconnected from everyone else. Certain things are bothering me alot. The news for one. I can't help but think what a horrible world I have brought my little boy into. I know that it's pointless to think this way, and I need to go on with my life, but it causes me alot of anxiety. I am working hard on figuring out how to make myself better. I just feel like it's hard on my son to live with me like this. I just keep hoping Summer will bring better days-Sawyer is ready for the sun.

Easter and Illness

It's been awhile since I blogged, life has been hectic this Spring. We spent Easter at our church attending an excellent service with my husband's dad and stepmom. When I was younger I went to church regularly, but then as a teenager I kind of dropped off the church circuit. Sundays were for sleeping in, and church really wasn't "cool." We also went to a church that highly emphasized rules. Such as you couldn't listen to anything but Christian music. In fact the Bob Dylan song 'Blowin in the Wind' was satanic because it was saying the answer was blowing in the wind and not God. Silly in my opinion. We started attending an RCA(Reformed Church of America) in October and we love it! Everyone is friendly, and for the most part we believe in what they stand for. Anyhow, I worked the night before Easter so after church I took a nap until 4pm. We spent the rest of the evening with my parents and Sawyer eating a home cooked Easter dinner. Then Sawyer got sick.........again. Wednesday morning he seemed sleepier than usual and felt a little warm. I had a hard time sleeping Tuesday night(compliments of my night shift job)so I fully took advantage of Sawyer's sleepiness and slept with him. He woke up around 12:30pm and was super sweaty and really felt hot. I took a temperature and it was 103.8. We recently switched pediatricians which is a story for a different day, but I called up his office fully expecting they would want us to come in. They didn't however, they were comfortable just waiting it out. His temperature got to 104 but we have been alternating Tylenol and Ibuprofen to keep it down. He's been moody to say the least. Neither of us have gotten much sleep. But I guess that's what it's like to have kid(s), you never sleep. I used to think I had so much to do when I was single and childless, and my life was so hectic, and stressful. I. was. dead. wrong. My life was simple then, I worked night shift but no one cared if I stayed up until 5am everynight, and slept in until 3:30pm everyday. Nobody was waking me up at 7:30 am. I didn't have to find a babysitter to go out at night. If I stayed at the bar with my friends until 2am, there was no one to wake me up screaming and crying the next morning. I could go to Target without having to lug a toddler into my car, strap him in, and then cause a scene so we had to leave once we got there anyways. I didn't have to feel guilty about spending $300 on clothes and shoes-it was my money anyhow. Still, I wouldn't change it for anything. Sawyer is the love of my life, and has added meaning to my life. He has taught me the meaning of unconditional love. That is what being a mom is all about. Sometimes I wish I could wash my hair everyday without Sawyer trying to crawl in the shower with me, and do my hair without him running his walker into my legs screaming "POW!" the whole time. Sometimes I wish I could just sleep in. Sometimes I just want to be alone. I'm sure in 18 years I will look back and wish he could just be small again. That we could just snuggle some more, even if it meant I had to get up at 3am to do it. So for now I'm just going to enjoy these moments as much as I can because they won't last forever.

Rotating Shifts

I haven't blogge din a long time. Me and my husband had a cold weeks ago if you remember. We have been feeling extremely fatigued since then. I can chalk mine up to night shift, his is probably a lack of exercise and poor diet. However, it's hard to ignore that it all started after our "colds". It's been making me feel like an inadequate mother. On my days off with Sawyer i'm so tired I just turn on the TV and fall asleep. I contemplate drinking coffee, but even going to brew a pot seems like too much work. It's not fair to him, he needs interaction and time outside. I just read an article where a mom talked about how she always imagined the type of mom she would be, and that she constantly feels like she falls short now. Thats definitely me. She said that everyday was a new day, there is always tomorrow. For me tomorrow comes and I continue to fall short. I had an opportunity to go to rotating shifts. That would have mean I would work 6 weeks of nights, and then 6 weeks of days. I ultimately turned it down because I felt like I would take at least 3 weeks to get used to a day schedule, and then I'd have to turn around and get used to a night schedule again. I don't know if it was the right thing to do or not. I would love to just find a straight day job. I keep looking but so far nothing. I just wish I could be one of those amazing moms who gets up early and finds the time to cook and clean, AND play with their kid(s). Unfortunately right now I cant. I workout nearly everyday. I eat pretty well. I don't know what else I can do.

No pain, no gain

I haven't wrote anything for a while. I guess that's because of a couple of things. 1. I can't put The Hunger Games down. A couple of girls from work want to go see the movie tomorrow night, so I have to finish it by then! Even so, I may not go tomorrow night as they are not going until the 9:45pm viewing and the movie is 2 and a half hours long!! I have a baby who gets up at 7:30am! 2. There really hasn't been anything in my life worth mentioning. It just kind of feels monotonous and unchanging right now. I'm working hard on making it to the gym 5 days a week. So far this week I made it today, so Tues, Weds, Thurs, and Friday left to go! I've got 4 lbs left until my pre-pregnancy weight, and then 5 lbs after that to my pre-marriage weight. 5 lbs after that and I will be at my goal! If I lost 2 lbs per week I could almost be there by May. I dread the workouts but they are really not that bad. As long as I get myself to the gym, then i'm good, it's the whole getting to the gym. Tomorrow morning a friend from work wants to go at 8:30am. This means I will have to take Sawyer to the daycare there. All the other girls from work take their kids there and have no complaints. It's only an hour. Even so, I hate to have to take him there. I think it will help me stay up during the day if I get a workout in right away though. If thats the case then it might be better for him to go there for an hour in the morning so he can have an attentive mother throughout the day. We will see how this goes!

Rain and Gloom

Today was a bummer of a day. It was cold and rainy, and I got nothing accomplished. I couldn't stay awake all day, and so Sawyer watched a lot of TV. Im not proud of it, but my body can only do so much. And right now my body is rebelling against night shift. Or at least the fact that I stay up all night 3 days a week, and then try to switch to a day schedule for the remaining four days. I feel like it's imperative that I find a day job for my sake, and for my son's sake. Unfortunately there are not a lot of options out there right now. Especially for day shift. We have excellent health insurance at the hospital I work at, plus Sawyer just started the daycare there. I feel like i'm trapped. Not to mention that a day job would probably be a significant pay cut. At this point I would take the pay cut, but I can't bring myself to switch Sawyer's childcare again, especially since he seems to love it there. My other biggest obstacle right now is Sawyer's eating habits. He is already small for his age. The 18 month clothes start at 22 lbs and Sawyer is only 20. He refuses almost anything they give him at daycare. Then he comes home starving and completely inconsolable. For us he refuses all fruit and veggies. He will eat PB and J, grilled cheese, chicken nuggets, and most pastas. Oh and waffles. Not exactly a healthy diet. If you don't give him what he wants he screams, and cries and throws his food on the floor. He will go to bed hungry. He needs to eat, yet I don't think we should have to make something separate for him every night. I don't know how to get him to stop being so picky. I've read all the stuff about hiding pureed veggies and whatnot. Two reasons I don't like that: 1. you're still not getting them to like fruits and veggies, you're just tricking them into eating them, and 2. I already hardly have time to make dinner, add cooking and pureeing veggies to that and well, I just dont have the time. I wish I could come up with some solutions to these problems, but add to them my extreme exhaustion and I just am at a loss. Hoping for a better week after today.

Spring Fever

I've got spring fever lately! All I can think about are things and events i want to go to, like baseball games and concerts. I can't wait unitl the pools open and I can take Sawyer swimming. It's so exciting to be able to leave the house without having to get a 1 and a half year old in multiple layers, a hat and mittens. Sawyer is excited as well! He just learned how to say "side", and he stands at the door and says it. He's just as sick of being inside as me. The next two days are supposed to be wet and rainy again though so we will be forced back inside. It also reminds me of all the extra work I have now. The lawn will need mowed soon, there will be yardwork.....................yuck. And tornadoes. I am deathly afraid of tornadoes. I once crawled into a bathtub with a cat and a mattress over us when the sirens went off. The cat did not approve. One year we had a tornado at 2:45 am. It stopped a few blocks short of my apartment..I was at work, in a Children's hospital. I had to sit in a bathroom with an oxygen tank and a 2 year old until it was all clear. A couple days later there was another one and I had to sit in the basement hallway of my apartment and listen to the hail pound the front door. I'm hoping for a mild storm season, although they are predicting a bad one. I love a good thunderstorm though. Just as long as it doesn't produce tornadoes. I'll take all of the bad things about spring if it means I can spend 90% of my time outdoors though. Theres just something about sitting in the sun that makes me feel peaceful and happy.

Somewhere Tropical

I think I need a vacation. I cant get the beach off my mind. Last night I researched houses in Encinitas, CA(a suburb of San Diego). My favorite house was 3,000,000 and some odd thousands of dollars. On the beach, with an outdoor fireplace. The only problem? I don't think I will ever see that much money in my life. I could swing something closer to $120,000. I would also be far, far away from my family if I moved to California. So maybe a vacaton is in order. Me and my husband went to Jamaica 3 years ago. It. was. awesome. We drank fancy drinks on the beach, lounged in hammocks, and swam with dolphins. Only thing is I don't think we could afford that trip right now. I don't know if anyone else is planning a vacation this summer but if you have looked up plane tickets..................the prices are outrageous. I would love to just go to even Florida, or New Orleans. Tickets for me and husband would cost somewhere around $600-800. We will probably just end up not going on vacation. I wish I could figure out a cheap way to get somewhere with palm trees. I feel like we really need to get away.

Is it not a beautiful house?

Just an Ordinary Mom

I'm very excited to try out this Hearts at Home blog hop! Hearts at Home is a group I actually discovered on Google. I'm an RN and they always have conferences for nurses. I started thinking, I would really be interested in a conference for mom's-thats my biggest passion in life, even if it's my toughest role in life. Anyhow, I found Hearts at Home which is a Christian based group of mothers. They hold conferences, and they have a blog and books, etc. Michelle Duggar is one of their main speakers for the 2012 conferences. I love her. I know everyone has their own opinion on her, she's too old to keep having kids, they have way too many, etc. I'm impressed by her and her ability to mother all 19 of her kids. I also feel that if she wasn't meant to have more kids then she wouldn't be getting pregnant anymore. Who are we to judge? So naturally I thought, "I have to go to one of these conferences!" Well, the national conference is in Normal, IL and next weekend I believe, so that was a little too soon for me. Plus thats a good 8 hour drive. There is one in November in Rochester, MN which is a 6 hour drive I believe. Then there is one in Colorado Springs, CO in October. Bingo! My sister lives in Denver and we have never been to see her home or anything. This one is still an 8 hour drive, but we can stay with her, and we can also stop at my husband's dad's house as it is on the way up. I'm excited to go talk to other mom's about their struggles, and also learn about ways I can do better for my family. The topic for this month's blog hop is "We All Have Days When We Fell Like Just an Ordinary Mom-if you could have any super power to help you with your mothering, what would it be?

I put a lot of thought into this. There are lots of super powers I would love to have. Invulnerability would be excellent, nothing could hurt me. I could take on the world without a care. The power to change objects, I could have anything I needed within seconds. Forgot a diaper? No problem, I will just change that rock into a diaper. X-ray vision, I could see what my son was up to, good or bad without leaving the couch. If I have to pick one though, and I do, then I guess I would choose telepathy. It would give me the ability to know why my son is throwing a fit, or feeling down and then I could fix it. Me and my husband could have a disagreement without my son ever knowing, we could do it silently. I could anticipate every need before it ever even came up. This seems kind of trivial I guess, but I have a type A personality. I like to keep a structure and schedule, and know what is coming my way. I hate surprises. In fact I hate getting gifts if I don't know what they are ahead of time. Yep, just not into surprises. It's a no brainer then that this would be the one super power I would want. Unfortunately I am just ordinary. I can't control everything. I have no idea what my son wants when he's crying at times. Some days I can hardly get dinner on the table let alone save the world. I know that it's ok though. As long as I give being a mom all that I have got than I have succeeded. Quite honestly, even though i'm just an ordinary mom, i'm still super to my family. I work full time, make dinner 5 nights a week, clean, do the grocery shopping, spend time with my son, and make sure everyone makes all their appointments and obligations. I don't even know if the most seasoned super hero could handle all that. Even without a super power, im still a pretty super mom.

Just Another Wednesday

I met most of my goals this week. Me and Sawyer made it to the zoo. Sawyer was even a pleasure the entire time. We didn't go to the park today, but we did make it outside. Now i'm about to lose it though. Today Sawyer's favorite and only word has been no..................to everything. Even things he wants. And the tantrums. So.sick.of.them. Why can't he just be my sweet boy all the time? Right now he's in his crib in a time out, and all I can hear is him chanting no over and over. Then theres the mess. He threw all of his food on the floor because he was mad. Then his dad came home sick from work and has been passed out. This is going on about day 50 of him having a cold so I don't feel too sorry for him. Yet it's prevented him from helping with things for weeks. I just feel so burnt out all the time. I know things will get better, I just feel like I have one good day and then the next is torture. Sigh. Back to work tomorrow.

Time for Bed

Another weekend of work done. It's supposed to be a lovely day out today, 70 degrees and sunny! I get to waste it sleeping however. I'm hoping to take Sawyer to the zoo tomorrow or Wednesday. I'm also hoping to work out Mon, Tues, Weds, and at least Thurs this week. These are my goals for the week. Nothing too ambitious. I'm hoping by starting small I can accomplish everything I want and feel like I did something with my week. The closest zoo that is open year round is an hour away, so i'm hoping Sawyer can tolerate the car ride there and back, and have fun at the zoo without being cranky. That goal may just be too ambitious.

Something Positive

Today I am going to post something positive. Mostly because I feel like my last posts have been less than optimistic. Today has not been the greatest day, just an average day really. Lately I am struggling with night shift more than at other times. I find myself continually sleeping and falling asleep. I feel like I am sleeping my life away. I feel like lately me and my husband argue all the time over household chores. I ask him to do things and he says he will, and then never does them. Or they might get done after I have asked him 5 times. I feel like it's a second full time job, asking him to do things. I have tried all the advice from other mom's, make a list of the top 5 things that are most important to you if they get done. We have a list, and he doesn't do them. I have reiterated the importance of said list numerous times and........................he still doesn't do them. I have made to do lists, I have instructed him step by step on how to do things. Still, nothing. This is not to say he doesn't do anything. He usually does the laundry. He usually cleans up the dishes. Well, most of them. He does wait until every single sippy cup in our house is dirty to wash them. Today he spent most of the day trying to get Sawyer to nap which I don't understand. I suspect it's really just his excuse for laying around watching basketball all day. I admit, i'm pretty anal. It's hard for me to overlook messes, and dirt. It drives me nuts, and causes me anxiety. I've gotten all the advice on that as well. The advice that it's okay to let housework go, your kids are more important. The advice that sometimes you need a break. I just cant stand that everytime my son plays with play-dough it attracts a mass of dog hair and crumbs. Or that just a swipe of a rag turns it black. Or the fact that right now the in between of our couch smells like dirty feet. Sawyer puked down their the other day and I have tried scrubbing it, and febrezing it with less than optimal results. My husband is making dinner right now though. Sawyer is happy, and playing. We paid off a lot of our debt this last month. I got into the math class I need to take this quarter in order to start my BSN in the Fall. We both have jobs, because a lot of people don't right now. We have a home, 2 working cars, and everything we need to survive. These are the positive things I need to keep reminding myself.

Survival Mode

Last week my husband came home sniffly and sneezy. Normally I don't get sick, as being a nurse I've been exposed to most illnesses and have a better immune system than most. It seems like the beginning of every spring I get a cold though. This time is no exception. It started Sunday with a cough and some nasal drip. By Monday I was fatigued, full of mucus, and my eyes were dripping like a faucet. Sawyer goes to daycare every Monday so I pretty much slept. All day. I keep him Tuesday and Wednesday though, and we don't have the kind of daycare where we can bring him last minute, nor the type of family that I can just dump him on spur of the moment. So for the last couple days we have just been surviving. I haven't changed out of my PJs, brushed my hair or put on makeup. The TV has been my babysitter as much as it make me feel like a horrible mom to say that, I just haven't had the energy to entertain a toddler. I keep telling myself I will make up for it when i'm well. I'm guessing a couple days of watching TV longer than the AAP recommends probably wont damage him as an adult. I hope. However, if down the road he gets diagnosed with ADHD I will know I'm to blame. Meanwhile my house is a disaster. My husband does a fairly good job of keeping up with the laundry, and keeping the dishes clean. There are some strange things I noticed today though. Him and my son hang out in the basement to give me some peace and rest while he is home. Right now there are about 7 blankets on the basement floor. My husband likes to lay a blanket out for Sawyer to play on, no matter what room they are in. Then along the way he will usually grab a blanket for him to cover up with. Then he might grab one for Sawyer to cover up with. Then maybe Sawyer dumps milk on one, and then instead of throwing it in the laundry he tosses it to the side, and grabs another one. Even under these circumstances this only equals 4 blankets so I have no idea why there are SEVEN! Also, the top of our Christmas tree is in the laundry basket in the laundry room.................................I have no reasonable explanation for this. My excercise and diet plan has been derailed this week. Which has me anxious. I would really like to lose some weight before Summer, I know, wouldn't we all. I just have to keep telling myself I will get back on the train when I feel better, and I still have time! Well, heres to hoping I feel better tomorrow because it's back to work for me tomorrow night. And if I don't feel better.....................it's going to be a long night.

Things Aren't Always Peachy

The last couple of days have been rough. I feel like I go through this every week though. I keep Sawyer all day on Tuesday and Wednesday, and i'm so tired that I end up falling asleep on the couch, on the floor, at the table all day. Then I feel like a terrible mom because deep inside I really do want to hang out with my son and do things with him, but switching from a day to night schedule just is not working for me. I've considered taking a pay cut and finding a day job, but that would probably require me to work Monday-Friday which means I would be taking Sawyer to daycare a lot more. Which for one, costs more money that I would be making less of, and two means I still wouldn't see him as much as I want. Then every Thursday night I go to work and think to myself......next week will be better, i'll drink coffee, i'll make myself be more energized, I can start over next week. Then every week ends up the same. Not to mention my job isn't the cheeriest place in the world. Amidst all the teenage hangings, and drunk driving accidents, stabbings and gunshot wounds, let's just say I don't always leave there feeling optimistic. I feel like all I can focus on is maintaining our home. All I ever do anymore is nag at my husband and I get so angry with him. I read all the advice that says to let some of the housework go, your child is more important. I get that, I really do. I just can't let the housework go, the dirt and the clutter makes my anxiety go into overdrive. Some days I feel like things are getting better, and other days I feel like things will never change. I know that in order for things to change I have to change me. I do change, for awhile but then I just can't help but be me.

Day #1: Daycare

Yesterday I went and toured Sawyer's new daycare, met his teacher, and had all my questions answered. I think the daycare's director could sense I was about to cry, I mean besides the fact that my eyes were filling up with tears, so she offered for him to come today for 2 hours free of charge. At first I wanted to say no, but after thinking about it I realized maybe it wasn't such a bad idea. So today I took him and he immediately sunk his claws into me the minute I went to sit him down. He screamed and arched his back. I knew if I didn't make it short and sweet that I would give in and take him back home with me. He's very persuasive. I quickly left and he had stopped screaming by the time I got to the elevator. I decided to do a spinning class while he was there to take my mind off of him. Only my second time doing spinning, and I felt like I was going to puke for an hour afterwards. The pain did take my mind off Sawyer though. When I got to the daycare to pick him up, I walked in and he saw me. He made a noise to acknowledge my presence, and then walked over to some toys and started playing. He didn't dramatically run into my arms, and he actually cried when it was time to leave! He apparently had a great time. He read 'The Cat in the Hat' and made a striped hat. I'm so very proud of him, but still so sad that he's growing up. They do potty time at the daycare, and drink out of big boy cups. I think perhaps my insecurity in the daycare lies in the fact that I just dont want him to grow up. He even learned to say "hat" today! Here is his striped hat displayed proudly on the fridge:

Breastfeeding:the horror

Breastfeeding for me was imperative for the survival of my child. I was sure he would get every disease out there without the antibodies form my breastmilk providing him with immunity. I read all the big breastfeeding manuals from front to back, and told all my friends and family about my opinions on breastfeeding and that anyone who didn't breastfeed thier kids was just plain lazy. I had a plan for once my baby was born, I wanted the opportunity to breastfeed immediately, and I didn't want any formula given. If you have read my earlier post than you know my labor and delivery did not go at all how I wanted. That being said, i'm pretty sure my bra size is an A-. One thing I was excited about during pregnancy is that my boobs would get bigger(vain I know). Come on though, faced with getting bigger in all the wrong places that is the silver lining right? Well............my boobs never got bigger. I don't think they grew one bit. I looked so disproportionate that I wore a V's Secret miraculous miracle bra my entire pregnancy. Even then they might have been a B, and that bra is supposed add two cup sizes! My ob-gyn seemd really pro breast feeding my entire pregnancy and so I never gave it a second thought. She only delivered at certain hospitals and so I just assumed they were all breastfeeding friendly. I couldn't have been more wrong. Sawyer was born by c-section on a Saturday morning. This meant two things. One, my dream of breastfeeding immediately after birth was thwarted, I didn't get to even hold him for 2 hours! The other was that it was a weekend, and apparently lactation consultants don't work on the weekends. The nurse also laughed at me when I asked if they had a breast pump and told me I could bring mine from home if I wanted. As soon as the nurse brought him to me I attempted to breastfeed. It appeared he was latching, but I was a newbie so I couldn't be sure. All the nurses told me it "looked" like I was doing it right. On Sunday, my milk had not come in. Our pediatrician said I would definitely know when my milk had come in. In fact, he gave me more information than anyone else! Sawyer had become jaundiced during this time and he told me I would have to give formula Tuesday morning if it hadn't come in yet. Monday morning-still nothing. On Monday EVENING a lactation consultant finally came by. Sawyer had to be under bili lights so he was in the nursery, but I had waited so long to see her I wanted her to watch me have him latch. She could've cared less. She threw a generic pamphlet at me and said, "well if you want I can watch him latch when he's here just page me." I asked her if the fact that I had a c-section could affect my milk coming in and she scoffed and said-of course not! She told me not to take any herbs and then left, clearly in a hurry. I was in tears by this point, nobody was giving me any help or information I could use. By Tuesday morning, you guessed it, still no milk. Well I take that back, I clearly had some. I was getting small amounts, but no tingling when I let down, no pain or full feeling, nothing substantial. When the nurse brought Sawyer in he was enraged. He didn't want anything to do with my boob, he was starving. I couldn't take it(hello! I was postpartum!) so I asked the nurse for formula which she readily brought in. He sucked down 6 ounces in 10 seconds.  I shouldn't have allowed that but it literally happened that quickly. We got sent home that day with instructions to have him latch and attempt to breastfeed, bottle feed, then pump. I was incredibly swollen and emotional. That night, on no sleep for 3 days I attempted to do that. Lucky for me I got a slow eater who took over an hour to finish 3 ounces and woke up like clockwork every 2 hours to eat. The latching was miserable. He was over it. Then by the time I did the bottle feeding and pumping and laid back down........you guessed it! He was up and ready to do it all over again. I wasn't getting much when I pumped, 10mL per breast, maybe? Not even an ounce. I spent most of that first night crying and then that next morning we had to go to the pediatrician for his jaundice. My eyes were so swollen from crying they were almost swollen shut. I looked horrible. The minute we walked in to the exam room he handed me kleenex and asked what was wrong. I told him about the breastfeeding and he said he was not a mom but couldn't imagine ehat I was going through. He told me to go see a lactation consultant. There was no way I was going back to the one I saw so I made an appointment with a highly recommended one an hour away. She was excellent. I brought Sawyer in and she fine tuned my latch. She gave me an SNS which is a tube you tape to your boob and then it feeds them formula but they still have to latch to get it. She also recommended an herbal supplement. For the first day or two things seemed on the up and up. My milk supply increased to 30-60mL per pumping, and although I tried the SNS, it's nearly impossible to do yourself. Unfortunately my husband had went back to work the day after we got home, so I was on my own. She told me to power pump which meant pumping for 10 minutes, then resting, then 10 minutes etc. for an hour. I did this religiously. After about a week and a half though my milk supply started to diminish again and I was spent. I gave up. I've never felt like such a failure. I cried for days. I felt like my body failed me. My lactation consultant called a couple days after I quit for an update. I told her I was done and she reassured me I did all I could. Then she recommended I stop pumping slowly to avoid pain. I told her I quit cold turket two days earlier and had no pain. She siad she didn't understand how that could be. She offered a CT scan to see if maybe my anatomy is off but I didn't have the money for that. Even up to 6 months after Sawyer's birth when I talked to a cousin who had her baby a week after him and she told me how she was still breastfeedingand it made me cry. People point out that my baby is healthy, and happy so why worry about it? For me it was just something I wanted to do for my baby. A girl at work the other day made the mistake of saying,"who wouldn't breastfeed when it's so much easier than bottle feeding?" She got an earful about how it's not easy for everyone. Looking back I don't think this will affect Sawyer's overall health or happiness in the long run, but for me it was really important and I still feel like I failed him in some way. I think this played a huge role in my PPD and anxiety.

Citrus Lane.......one of my favorite finds!

Tonight is my usual night to work. Census is low so I am sitting at home on call and I feel compelled to write about my new favorite find. Must be my ADHD. I have tried both Bluum and Citrus Lane. These are monthly subscription boxes directed at moms. Bluum is only for mothers of babies up to 1 year old at this point, while Citrus Lane is directed at children up to 3 years of age. Bluum is considerably cheaper, $12/month at most, while Citrus Lane is $25/month at most. Bluum sends SAMPLES, not full sizes. I noticed a lot of people complaining on their facebook about the size of the samples, but once again, it is advertised as samples not full sizes. I cancelled my Bluum after 3 months because my son is simply too old for them now. Plus i'm just not sure how many samples of lotion and diaper cream I need. I've gotten 3 months of Citrus Lane so far and loved it. Every box far exceeds it's $25 value. The December box included a Stella & Dot bracelet that retails for $30, a gingerbread man cookie cutter, my absolute favorite, Episencials better body butter and an adorable Zutano hat with ears. There was more but it escapes me at the moment. The January box featured organic products including an awesome Pangea Organics lavender & cardamom chapstick, a Green Toys boat for the bathtub, two packages of Happy Baby yogurt melts,2 Plum District $5 cards, and a bottle of Dolphin Organics fragrance free lotion. I was not a big fan of the Dolphin Organics lotion based on the smell, and I let them know this in my review of the box. Two days ago I got an email saying the company was sorry and they would like to send me a new bottle of their lighter, and improved lotion. Thats some great customer service! This month's box included a Babybug magazine, Elizabeth Mitchell cd, P'kolino puzzle stacker, and a Petite Lemon print. This month's box was my least favorite but still impressive. I would highly recommend this box to anyone and everyone(if you can afford it). There's no guarantee you will like everything in it, I guess thats the risk you take when you order a box and someone else decides what goes in it. Still, I've found some great brands I wouldn't have heard of otherwise, and even if I cant afford them, at least I get a full sized bottle to try! Here are my favorite things I've recieved:

 

www.citruslane.com

www.pkolino.com

www.episencial.com

www.greentoys.com

    

Daycare: the best option?

My son is starting full blown public daycare on March 8th and I am so nervous. Up until now he has stayed at home, and goes to a babysitter who is a stay at home mom of 2 girls. He has no idea how to interact with 50 other kids. He is also not used to not being the center of attention. I expect a hard transition with this. He will only be going three days a week at most, but I know i'm not prepared for all the illness, and temper tantrums. Initially after he was born I tried to keep him all the time, even after I had worked the night before. It was torture and not fair to him to have a mom he kept falling asleep on the couch. I work 36-40 hours like any other full time mom, it just so happens that my work hours happen when everyone else is asleep. So begrudgingly I admitted that we had to find some form of childcare. Our babysitter decided to go back to school(darn her for bettering herself!) so we had to find childcare elsewhere. The hospital I work for provides a pretty decent(from what i've heard) daycare, and they also have a pretty lengthy waiting list. Amazingly we got in though. So now I just wait until March 8th when he starts and see how it goes..................it's tough being an overbearing mom who has to work full time. If it was up to me I would quit my job and devote my entire life to him. It's probably the universe that keeps me working full time so I don't completely annoy and traumatize him.

My Long and Harrowing Journey

When I first found out I was going to be a mom I was devastated. Not because I didn't want to have kids, I just didn't want to have kids yet. I was in the midst of planning my wedding when I found out I was pregnant. After we had put $1,000 in deposits down. I had also already ordered my wedding dress and it was non returnable. I wanted to postpone the wedding but my husband refused. Obviously he didn't understand how important my wedding was to me. Needless to say, there I was in Vegas, 8 months pregnant with a very altered and ill-fitting dress. It was 115 degrees people. Not fun. Clearly I got used to the idea of having a kid eventually and felt ok with the surprise pregnancy. I read all the books about breastfeeding, and attended the classes. I was sure that I would breastfeed until my son was a year old.......at least. I didn't want to be induced, and I most definitely did not want a c-section. Apparently God and my son had different plans though. At 9 days post due my ob-gyn was no longer comfortable continuing on. We went in at 6am to get induced. I guess I should say I went in to get induced, my husband didn't do any of the hard stuff. They started Pitocin and it took about an hour or two to start having contractions. My doctor came in about 3.5 hours into it and put a blown up catheter balloon in my cervix to dilate it. Very uncomfortable. She encouraged me to get my epidural and I resisted at first. Everytime I had a contraction I felt like I had to pee and I would get up dragging a catheter and IV pole with me. By the time I got to the bathroom it would subside and I would drag myself back to bed. I finally agreed to get an epidural. It took about an hour for the anesthesiologist to come, but I got my epidural. Then my blood pressure dropped. My original nurse was at lunch so when the alarms started going off nobody came. A nurse has got to eat right? I made my husband call and instead of someone coming into our room, a secretary asked what we needed over a speaker. He said we needed a nurse and I was going to puke. She said she would call her but no one came. We called a second time and still no response. Then the fetal monitor started alarming. About 3 minutes after that a nurse ran in and threw oxygen on me which wasn't scary at all. Then our nurse finally came in. No big deal, my low blood pressure was causing his heart rate to drop. Then a resident came in and broke my water...........and it was green. "Ugh, does it look ok?" I asked, even though I knew the answer. "Sure it looks great!" she replied as I stared at her in disbelief. "Well, okay there's some meconium(baby poop) in it," she finally explained. Don't these people realize i'm a nurse? Due to the meconium in the water I was told NICU nurses would be present at the delivery to suction my son out. Just suction, that is all. Everything after this point continued on as before. I didn't dilate much, but I also didn't feel anything. At about 5pm I felt some pain so I let the nurse know and got a bolus of medication and presto! No more pain. About 7pm I started having more severe pain(also known as contractions). I let the new night nurse know and I don't really think she cared. After about 2 hours she reluctantly had them give me more medication. It really didn't do anything. At this point I was really leaning towards a c-section. I was told that if I didn't dilate to 10cm by 11pm then we would go to surgery. At that point I hoped I wouldn't dilate. Of course I did though. Even though my son hadn't dropped they insisted I should push. Exhausted, and with no energy I tried to push.......for 3 HOURS!!!! Apparently he was sunny side up, and the resident kept sticking her arm up to her elbow inside of me to turn him. After the third time I politely(haha) told her that was enough. He just kept flipping around. Finally I convinced the resident to call my doctor. This was after they turned my epidural off and I was having contractions about 20 seconds apart. My doctor came in and decided it was time for surgery. The c-section went fine even though it wasn't my dream delivery. I didn't even get to hold him for 2 hours after he was born. When we got to the postpartum floor I was told my son had a rough morning, he was intubated and had a rough delivery. "What was he intubated for, is that standard for meconium in the water?!?" I asked. "I don't know, maybe he had trouble breathing or something," is the answer I got. Same answer from the following three nurses as well. My pediatrician finally told me it was standard for meconium in the water. This was the beginning of my journey into postpartum hell. I've suffered with anxiety and depression since then, although things do seem to be on the up and up. I'm going to end here since I've been up all night at work. There's many more layers to this story however, breastfeeding was the next nightmare. Regardless of all of this, my son is my world and even though this was a horrible experience, I would do it all over again if that's what I had to do to get to him.