Breastfeeding:the horror

Breastfeeding for me was imperative for the survival of my child. I was sure he would get every disease out there without the antibodies form my breastmilk providing him with immunity. I read all the big breastfeeding manuals from front to back, and told all my friends and family about my opinions on breastfeeding and that anyone who didn't breastfeed thier kids was just plain lazy. I had a plan for once my baby was born, I wanted the opportunity to breastfeed immediately, and I didn't want any formula given. If you have read my earlier post than you know my labor and delivery did not go at all how I wanted. That being said, i'm pretty sure my bra size is an A-. One thing I was excited about during pregnancy is that my boobs would get bigger(vain I know). Come on though, faced with getting bigger in all the wrong places that is the silver lining right? Well............my boobs never got bigger. I don't think they grew one bit. I looked so disproportionate that I wore a V's Secret miraculous miracle bra my entire pregnancy. Even then they might have been a B, and that bra is supposed add two cup sizes! My ob-gyn seemd really pro breast feeding my entire pregnancy and so I never gave it a second thought. She only delivered at certain hospitals and so I just assumed they were all breastfeeding friendly. I couldn't have been more wrong. Sawyer was born by c-section on a Saturday morning. This meant two things. One, my dream of breastfeeding immediately after birth was thwarted, I didn't get to even hold him for 2 hours! The other was that it was a weekend, and apparently lactation consultants don't work on the weekends. The nurse also laughed at me when I asked if they had a breast pump and told me I could bring mine from home if I wanted. As soon as the nurse brought him to me I attempted to breastfeed. It appeared he was latching, but I was a newbie so I couldn't be sure. All the nurses told me it "looked" like I was doing it right. On Sunday, my milk had not come in. Our pediatrician said I would definitely know when my milk had come in. In fact, he gave me more information than anyone else! Sawyer had become jaundiced during this time and he told me I would have to give formula Tuesday morning if it hadn't come in yet. Monday morning-still nothing. On Monday EVENING a lactation consultant finally came by. Sawyer had to be under bili lights so he was in the nursery, but I had waited so long to see her I wanted her to watch me have him latch. She could've cared less. She threw a generic pamphlet at me and said, "well if you want I can watch him latch when he's here just page me." I asked her if the fact that I had a c-section could affect my milk coming in and she scoffed and said-of course not! She told me not to take any herbs and then left, clearly in a hurry. I was in tears by this point, nobody was giving me any help or information I could use. By Tuesday morning, you guessed it, still no milk. Well I take that back, I clearly had some. I was getting small amounts, but no tingling when I let down, no pain or full feeling, nothing substantial. When the nurse brought Sawyer in he was enraged. He didn't want anything to do with my boob, he was starving. I couldn't take it(hello! I was postpartum!) so I asked the nurse for formula which she readily brought in. He sucked down 6 ounces in 10 seconds.  I shouldn't have allowed that but it literally happened that quickly. We got sent home that day with instructions to have him latch and attempt to breastfeed, bottle feed, then pump. I was incredibly swollen and emotional. That night, on no sleep for 3 days I attempted to do that. Lucky for me I got a slow eater who took over an hour to finish 3 ounces and woke up like clockwork every 2 hours to eat. The latching was miserable. He was over it. Then by the time I did the bottle feeding and pumping and laid back down........you guessed it! He was up and ready to do it all over again. I wasn't getting much when I pumped, 10mL per breast, maybe? Not even an ounce. I spent most of that first night crying and then that next morning we had to go to the pediatrician for his jaundice. My eyes were so swollen from crying they were almost swollen shut. I looked horrible. The minute we walked in to the exam room he handed me kleenex and asked what was wrong. I told him about the breastfeeding and he said he was not a mom but couldn't imagine ehat I was going through. He told me to go see a lactation consultant. There was no way I was going back to the one I saw so I made an appointment with a highly recommended one an hour away. She was excellent. I brought Sawyer in and she fine tuned my latch. She gave me an SNS which is a tube you tape to your boob and then it feeds them formula but they still have to latch to get it. She also recommended an herbal supplement. For the first day or two things seemed on the up and up. My milk supply increased to 30-60mL per pumping, and although I tried the SNS, it's nearly impossible to do yourself. Unfortunately my husband had went back to work the day after we got home, so I was on my own. She told me to power pump which meant pumping for 10 minutes, then resting, then 10 minutes etc. for an hour. I did this religiously. After about a week and a half though my milk supply started to diminish again and I was spent. I gave up. I've never felt like such a failure. I cried for days. I felt like my body failed me. My lactation consultant called a couple days after I quit for an update. I told her I was done and she reassured me I did all I could. Then she recommended I stop pumping slowly to avoid pain. I told her I quit cold turket two days earlier and had no pain. She siad she didn't understand how that could be. She offered a CT scan to see if maybe my anatomy is off but I didn't have the money for that. Even up to 6 months after Sawyer's birth when I talked to a cousin who had her baby a week after him and she told me how she was still breastfeedingand it made me cry. People point out that my baby is healthy, and happy so why worry about it? For me it was just something I wanted to do for my baby. A girl at work the other day made the mistake of saying,"who wouldn't breastfeed when it's so much easier than bottle feeding?" She got an earful about how it's not easy for everyone. Looking back I don't think this will affect Sawyer's overall health or happiness in the long run, but for me it was really important and I still feel like I failed him in some way. I think this played a huge role in my PPD and anxiety.