Things Aren't Always Peachy

The last couple of days have been rough. I feel like I go through this every week though. I keep Sawyer all day on Tuesday and Wednesday, and i'm so tired that I end up falling asleep on the couch, on the floor, at the table all day. Then I feel like a terrible mom because deep inside I really do want to hang out with my son and do things with him, but switching from a day to night schedule just is not working for me. I've considered taking a pay cut and finding a day job, but that would probably require me to work Monday-Friday which means I would be taking Sawyer to daycare a lot more. Which for one, costs more money that I would be making less of, and two means I still wouldn't see him as much as I want. Then every Thursday night I go to work and think to myself......next week will be better, i'll drink coffee, i'll make myself be more energized, I can start over next week. Then every week ends up the same. Not to mention my job isn't the cheeriest place in the world. Amidst all the teenage hangings, and drunk driving accidents, stabbings and gunshot wounds, let's just say I don't always leave there feeling optimistic. I feel like all I can focus on is maintaining our home. All I ever do anymore is nag at my husband and I get so angry with him. I read all the advice that says to let some of the housework go, your child is more important. I get that, I really do. I just can't let the housework go, the dirt and the clutter makes my anxiety go into overdrive. Some days I feel like things are getting better, and other days I feel like things will never change. I know that in order for things to change I have to change me. I do change, for awhile but then I just can't help but be me.